So I was talking to my bf about how I feel lacking in creativity and he asked what my creativity used to be for me- which was escape from the reality I was living when dealing with my depression and my father's illness and home life, etc. I've been trying to fit creativity into this peg-hole of making money and I've been completely miserable and uninspired since. I haven't been able to draw for weeks. I have finally come up with a very inspired, heartfelt project, and I've just kept hitting resistance every time I approach it. So I've come to the decision (again) to stop my commission work, and more importantly, to not even consider at this time my artwork as any form of income. Creativity is for me like sleep is for others; integral, and if you don't do it right you can lose your mind.

I joined a gym, and am loving it. I'm cooped inside for too long following old bad habits again. Depressed, bored, blah. I'm looking forward to moving.

<---PRINTS

Felt I should say hello even if I have no art I feel really worth posting. I'm feeling very uninspired, very blah. Lately I've been asking myself why I make art. Its a question that's been bothering me for the last half year, and if I'm honest, much longer. I know why I used to. I had something to prove to myself. Color was a bitch, so I kept fighting it till I was satisfied, same with line, tone, individual styles-- I guess I have nothing left on that front. I am competent enough in art where I don't feel the drive to get better. I just want to express... and I have no idea how to do it. None of my art moves me. Oh, it's pretty, its a unique idea... so what? I can draw or paint anything in front of me, or out of my head, but there is no meaning I can find. The commission thing just makes me sad because I'm creating for others but what's inside me isn't becoming free. And the actual act of the painting is just so boring and tedious. Maybe its a problem with the medium, but even with watercolors I just get so bored. I've been making jewelry lately... even that is uninspired. Its another outlet of expression to gain skill technically but I still fall short of the expression part. I do enjoy the creation with my hands though, the bending of wire, and the feel of the beads. Each element brings something to the piece that I alone couldn't.
[link] ring
[link] necklace

When I knit or crochet at least I get that piece to hold in my hands with colors to instill mood and texture and warmth and a use. I haven't found a purpose for my art, even the creation of it hasn't been able to fulfill a purpose. Its a very difficult block.

I'm going to be moving in April. I keep throwing away things that had once held an interest to me but now I look at and feel are really shallow and unimportant. I'm out of my cling to everything because my world could fall apart and I could have nothing stage and moved into a more healthy stage of understanding the true value of items. A part of me wants to be very busy but if I can't find a proper thing to be busy with, something that moves me, than I'm not motivated to pursue it at all. I'm seeking a career, not an occupation.

Okay, so finally got the new shop all together. I may have to take a second look and actually alter some of those DA Print prices- some of them seem unnaturally high. I'll do some research and comparison.

Anyways, that will be my business account from here on in, anything related to commissions, prints, and merchandise being dealt through that account, and the attached email GabrielleKDiBona@gmail.com Looking for a particular print not shown on the site, email me and I'll let you know availability. I kept it pretty clean and bare there, with no art before 2007.

Hope you all take a look, and any suggestions for improvement I would love to hear!

~Gabs

So I think I'm going to be opening a new DA account strictly for business, only because I am way too bogged down emotionally on this site. For example; so this week my friend tried to kill herself, failed, then tried to kill someone else and failed and is thankfully in the hands of the police. Fun but not something potential clients want to know about.

Its been a wild week. I guess I didn't word my unemployment case well on my whole suicidal must leave job because it is too much pressure so I'm going to have to have a hearing, which I'm learning is just like a real old court case, with lawyers and everything. The thought alone is extremely overwhelming and it makes me want to give up. I'm going to have to get a lawyer, preferably a free one. Why is it that the basic needs seem to be the ones that we have to fight the most over?

The worst of the withdrawal symptoms of my meds have passed, now its a matter of fighting through the stagnant haze that hits on occasion. I'm more than ready and capable to work again, for now I'm going back to illustration freelance until I find something steady. Holidays are... difficult. My boyfriend and his family have been kind to invite me, but there is always this perceived expectation to have fun at these things when inside I'm mourning. I want to be myself, not have to pretend that everything is fine, and be accepted for it. I won't hold my breath.

So I've been deciphering and have come to the conclusion of what my next step is. I need to work through my trauma. A year ago I didn't even know I had PTSD except that a doctor diagnosed me with it, and then I took a hard look at myself and realized yup, thats what I'm hiding from. I talked with my current doctor- I want off my meds. My antidepressants make me suicidal and to stop that I have to take another medication that is highly addictive. It doesn't hold much sense to me. But because of this I need to get to the root of my depression and anxiety to avoid it from reoccurring, and the root is trauma.

The word alone makes me cringe. Of all the things I have been doing to better myself I have ignored this. Even when I was writing to myself to decipher my depression and anxiety and my medication effects on me last July before my hospitalization I completely skimmed over my PTSD. I acknowledge that it existed in me and wrote I didn't even want to go into it. I have been fighting the symptoms of my PTSD while the traumatic events of my life have been allowed to stay fat and happy in my mind, still controlling my thoughts and my actions.

I'm scared. This is a part of my journey where I need a guide to make sure I don't fall into the abyss. What will I be like once this is cured? Who will I be? I spent seven years letting depression rule me because of the fear that I would not be me if I took it out of my life. What amazing being will I be without this monster sitting in my reptilian mind by the base of my skull? Will I be able to win, or will my fear paralyze me into another seven years of sleep?

But these fears are baseless, as all fears are. I am strong. I am ready, and I'm not going to stay broken anymore. I've not only tasted joy but with every essence of my being. How could I ever dismiss that feeling because of something as boring and simple as fear?

I wrote new lyrics to 'You Are My Sunshine'. The song had been spinning in my head since I met my boyfriend but the words were wrong. I would prefer that the ones I love and the ones that loved me to see this meaning instead of the fear of loss that the song stresses. Love is joyful; there should be no thought of the pain of having it taken away. Love is endless; it cannot be stolen from us. We hear this song as a child and the message should be proper. I only have the refrain for now, but I'm and determined to finish it when the time is right.

You are my lifeblood, my true companion.
My soul knows now no human bound.
My inspiration, is your creation.
You are my heart, my love, and my smile.