So I've been deciphering and have come to the conclusion of what my next step is. I need to work through my trauma. A year ago I didn't even know I had PTSD except that a doctor diagnosed me with it, and then I took a hard look at myself and realized yup, thats what I'm hiding from. I talked with my current doctor- I want off my meds. My antidepressants make me suicidal and to stop that I have to take another medication that is highly addictive. It doesn't hold much sense to me. But because of this I need to get to the root of my depression and anxiety to avoid it from reoccurring, and the root is trauma.

The word alone makes me cringe. Of all the things I have been doing to better myself I have ignored this. Even when I was writing to myself to decipher my depression and anxiety and my medication effects on me last July before my hospitalization I completely skimmed over my PTSD. I acknowledge that it existed in me and wrote I didn't even want to go into it. I have been fighting the symptoms of my PTSD while the traumatic events of my life have been allowed to stay fat and happy in my mind, still controlling my thoughts and my actions.

I'm scared. This is a part of my journey where I need a guide to make sure I don't fall into the abyss. What will I be like once this is cured? Who will I be? I spent seven years letting depression rule me because of the fear that I would not be me if I took it out of my life. What amazing being will I be without this monster sitting in my reptilian mind by the base of my skull? Will I be able to win, or will my fear paralyze me into another seven years of sleep?

But these fears are baseless, as all fears are. I am strong. I am ready, and I'm not going to stay broken anymore. I've not only tasted joy but with every essence of my being. How could I ever dismiss that feeling because of something as boring and simple as fear?

I wrote new lyrics to 'You Are My Sunshine'. The song had been spinning in my head since I met my boyfriend but the words were wrong. I would prefer that the ones I love and the ones that loved me to see this meaning instead of the fear of loss that the song stresses. Love is joyful; there should be no thought of the pain of having it taken away. Love is endless; it cannot be stolen from us. We hear this song as a child and the message should be proper. I only have the refrain for now, but I'm and determined to finish it when the time is right.

You are my lifeblood, my true companion.
My soul knows now no human bound.
My inspiration, is your creation.
You are my heart, my love, and my smile.